Into the Wilderness

When I began this blog several years ago, I was guided initially by two things. The first was my recent commissioning as an Associate in Ministry for the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America). The second was remembering how helpful and impactful it had been for me in my very first Seminary class - Old Testament I with Dr. Bob Robinson - to write free flowing thoughts and musings on scripture passages in the journal Dr. Robinson had us keep.

Much has changed in the past several years. Now I am no longer an Associate in Ministry, but a Deacon for the ELCA. It is a title and brand I have not fully lived into, and frankly am not sure if I ever will. The Diaconate is a ministry that is still new to me in terms of understanding. It is certainly not one I felt called to when I made the choice to become an AIM rather than a Diakonal Minister, the closest thing to a Deacon the ELCA formerly had.

I was intentional about using the word AIM in the title of this blog, and have decided not to change it. I still feel I am wandering. And I still feel like that wandering is AIMing somewhere. I guess I am still feeling like an AIM, not a Deacon.

Another thing that has changed is that I am no longer in my first call. For a few reasons I left that congregation a few months ago even before I had another call. It was the right time to go.

In the subsequent months I've thought that this time away from a call would be a kind of sabbatical. A sabbath time where I would clear my head and heart and be ready when another call came.

Things haven't turned out that way so far. Instead, the past six months for my family have been frequently stressful and sometimes downright painful for many reasons which aren't really necessary to get into. None of us feel like this is sabbath time. Instead, it's been as if we are three boats bumping up against each other in stormy, rocky waters as we try to find a place to land together.  All three of us have been dealing with things that are trying. And we are all dealing with them individually, as well as communally.

It has felt instead like Wilderness time. Not Sabbath time.

And that brought me back with a thud to why I began this blog. Wandering is something the Israelites did in the Wilderness. And while that wandering felt perhaps aimless for them, for God it was aim-full. That image was one that hit home for me on March 27th, 2013 when I wrote my first post.

Dr. Robinson showed me how to use scripture as something to wrestle with in a purposeful way. To wander AIM-fully though passages to help bring me out of the wilderness.

And nowhere is that image more relevant than in Lent. We remember in Lent Jesus' sojourn to the Wilderness to be faced with temptation. We remember the Israelites sojourn in the Wilderness to wander to the promised land.

I am still wandering. Still in the Wilderness. But Lent offers a time to find purpose in both. Wrestling with scripture as Dr. Robinson taught, brings life and rebirth. It brings creativity and insight.

I've strayed from this blog for a while during the pain of the past months. And staying away hasn't taken away that feeling of wandering or of wilderness. It is time for me to remember that wandering AIM-fully is how I felt called to write to begin with. So as a Lenten discipline, rather than giving up coffee and chocolate or any manner of items that I usually come up with for Lent, it is time to return to wandering with purpose. 

Maybe Sabbath does come in the Wilderness.

Mark 1:9-13 

In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. And just as he was coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens torn apart and the Spirit descending like a dove on him. And a voice came from heaven, “You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased.”

And the Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. He was in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan; and he was with the wild beasts; and the angels waited on him.